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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
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1:26 pm - whoo hoo jasmine, lets get down and dirty.
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| Sunday, June 27th, 2004
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11:49 pm - FUN weekend!
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well i just had the most fun weekend, ive had in a long time. i went to hang out with dylan the whole weekend, well the most part of it. his a really awesome guy. well saturday i woke late ^^; if he didnt call to wake me up, i would have so not been ready lol. well got ready and 20 minutes he came. we decided to go eat since we were both hungry. we didnt know where to eat so we just decided to eat in food court in the mills, we ate panda express haha. one thing i dont like is, eating with him, cus he eats so fast lol. he said it was a habbit, since he was from the marines. he gets hungry alot to, and eat so fast. i get so intimidated cus i fucking eat slow.
after that we went to watch shrek 2. he hasnt seen it but i have. but we went anyway cus we saw most of the movies that was playing. we went in an hour early and sat, made out and cuddle. people came lol while we were making out, my somewhat first public showing of anything of that sort with the same sex. lol it was alot of people to, families, and ganstas, and preppy girls. well the movie started and he put his arms around me and i layed on his chest and watched the movie. the fun part was when everytime when someone kissed, we kissed haha.
after that we went to barnes and nobles and he baught the clinton book. i was looking for a kama sutra book for gays lol, found one but it sucked. so after that we checked out borders near the monclair plaza mall. they had some as well, more graphic, but it didnt have enough positions. after that we decided to go to the mall. i told him he had a whole on his pants, which was really getting bigger and bigger. so we went to holliser and look for pants, we didnt like any of the pants there. plus i saw this chick i knew from school. we just exhanged glanced and smiled. after that we walked around and ended up in gap. we got a pare of pants he liked and wore it there. it did look nice though. we were walking around again and i saw that girl again, so i told her "your just everywhere arent you" and she just laught and said yeah.
so after our mall trip, we were bored again. so i told him lets go to the mts. so we drove to mt baldy. hehe it was a long trip, his car barely made it. we drove all the way to the top hehe it was awesome. we parked, made out, and we got a little frisky lol. nothing happened though =P
so after that we drove that and were pretty tired. we got talking and he wanted to stay in a hotel, instead of my house cus he didnt want any drama with mike. i agreed since i really didnt care. so we get to a hotel around the mills. checked in, crashed in the room. we took a nap and woke up around 10 ish. i was hungry as hell and so was he. we decided to go in dennys. lol i made a fool of myself when i ordered "blue ranch" instead of blue cheese for my dressing. we had a good laugh.
after dinner we headed back in the hotel and watched a movie. we held each other and just ended falling asleep. woke up at 8 him kissing my neck lol. another one of his weird habbits, he wakes up at 8. we layed in bed and just made out lol. it was hot, he was just all over me, couldnt help it but just let him. then i fell back asleep when he held me for a bit. woke up at 11 and we went out to eat at wendys. after that we decided to call it a weekend, since he had things to do and i had some things to do. so we droped me off and gave me one last kiss. man it was fun.
current mood:  happy
current music: Counting Crows - Accidentally in Love
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| Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
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12:13 am - ugh just leave me alone.
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Ive been waiting all day for ya babe
so wont you come sit and talk to me
and tell me how were gonna be together always
hope you know that when its late at night
I hold on to my pillow tight
I think bout how you promised me forever
(I never thought that anyone) could make me feel this way
(now that youre here boy, all I want) is just a chance to say
get out (leave) right now
its the end of you and me
its too late (now) and I cant wait for you to be gone
cause I know, about her (move)
and I wonder (why)
how I brought all the lies
you said that you would treat me right
but you were just a waste of time (waste of time)
tell me why youre looking so confused
when Im the one that didnt know the truth
how could you ever be so cold?
you go behind my back and call my friend
boy you mustve gone and bumped your head
because you left your number on her phone
so now after all is said and done
maybe Im the one to blame but
to think that you could be the one
well it didn?t work out that way
current mood:  annoyed
current music: JoJo - Leave
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| Sunday, June 6th, 2004
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3:01 am - LOL
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current mood: amused
current music: Toni Braxton - He Wasn't Man Enough (Album Ve
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| Thursday, April 8th, 2004
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2:41 am - hmm
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well.. today mike and his friends came over. seems like they had a pretty good time hope they did. i dunno what to feel.. about it. i just dont know. they seem nice people and i tried to do things with them, but only when mike invites me, since i dont want to just invite myself. even with them here i just felt alone and by myself, since mike never took me out with them or introduced me properly. i feel like im not his friend, and ive told him this, it seems like his trying now a days cus ive implied it so many times.
but i put this on myself wanting to be alone alot lately, but i only did cus on reason is i focused to hard on being friends with mike.. but he just left me and not included me. its time to move on i suppose since he has. just reading his journal hurts me sometimes, seeing how it seems like it was a mistake for him to come here. i cant blame him, but it wasnt my decisions that set things in motion that cannot be undone. he made choices, and these are the consequences of it, and now he has made another decision, and all i can do is help him. but im tired of doing that. cus ive been helping him and i hardly get anything.
he tells his friend we spend too much time together and thats the reason we fight. that was the case when we were going out, hence we took that break which broke us apart. but the reason now that we fight is cus we dont at all spend tme together. and thats the reason i fight with him. thats the only thing i bring up when we fight cus he doesnt include me ever, and if its not part of his plan you cant do it. so you schedule a plan, ahead of time with him, and still he has to think about it. i tried i dont know what to do. he wants to be friends but he threats me like this. all his friends are in a "gang" so they call it. all his friends. how come im not part of it if iam? why was i never invited to anything?
and again today, in everyones view micheal did everything and i did nothing. so i was stuck cleaning. cus everyone was yelling at me. and yes yelling and bitching and just goingat it. its always my fucking fault. its always my fucking responsiblity. all i want in my life that i never got is, to be recognized for my efforts, but i dont get anything. the only ones ive seen given to me are my teachers, who sees that i can be someone, that i can do something with my life, and not clean be like my dad a mechanic. i hate being compared to people, cus iam not them, IAM ME.
i just want to do the things i want to do without someone yelling at me or telling me off. well.. bottom line... im always the bad guy. i gues il hide myself more... il hide the true me more. i wish i could start over... i wish i could be someone else. but those things will only just be wishes, but i will strive to change, and to start that, i need to deal with this michael issue thats been plaguing my life. this isnt a jelous revenge or anything, i dont care what he does anymore, i just wanted to be his friend, and not even that he could give me. if you read his journal, it seems like his ready to move, then move he shall do.
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004
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8:16 pm
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im tired of this. i gave him all the warnings, all the chances, and still nothing. thats it im done. why cant i even just think of whats good for me like he does. why do i always gotta regret things, always gotta think twice, always gotta care. fucking shit, im getting walked all over and all i could do is help more. i dont even know what to write, what to rant, what to think.
current mood: angry
current music: Natalie Imbruglia - Torn
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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12:22 am - what the fuck do you think iam
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im tired of YOUR shit, iam nothing to you. iam no one to you. you and your fucking false promises. im tired of this shit. im tired of your shit mike, if your gonna threat me this way then fine, i will to, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE! i tried my best , ME! dont even say YOU fucking tried cus you didnt.
fuck i dont care anymore if your not around, YOUR NEVER AROUND ANYWAY. i dont care if your not my friend anymore, cus thats how you threat me, im not your friend. i cant believe i wasted all this effort and all this time on your fucking selfish ass. you fucking selfish bastard.
current mood: angry
current music: Janet Jackson - Son of A Gun
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| Friday, March 19th, 2004
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2:38 am - what else can i do..
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i'l say goodbye to love. no one ever cared if i should live or die. time and time again the chance for love has passed me by and all i know of love is how to live without it.. i just cant seem to find it.
so ive made my mind up, i must live my life alone, and though its not the easy way, i gues ive always known id say goodbye to love. there are no tomorrows for this heart of mine. surely time will lose these bitter memories and il find that there is someone to believe in and to live for something i could live for. all the years of useless search have finally reached an end. lonelyness and empty days will be my only friend. from this day love is fogotten. il go on as best i can.
current mood:  tired
current music: Live - The Dolphins Cry
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
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12:19 am
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You're Ashram! Congratulations! You're the
sexiest man on the island of Lodoss! Powerful,
intelligent, ruthless, who could resist you?
Proud and loyal, you veil your emotions, but
when it comes right down to it, you really have
a good heart, despite your reputation for being
evil. And you're also the only character other
than Pirotess to make it into the sequal.
What Record of Lodoss War Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood:  bored
current music: Keith Sweat - Twisted
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| Friday, February 20th, 2004
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1:20 am - get a load of me, get a load of you, walking down the street, and i hardly know you.
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isnt this the best part of breakin up, finding someone else you cant get enough of. someone who wants to be with you to.
confused as always but whatever, i honestly dont know what to do anymore.
current mood:  enthralled
current music: Evanescence - My Immortal
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| Sunday, February 15th, 2004
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12:51 am - Why are we less harsh on others as we are on ourselves?
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Although there might not be a rainbow at the end of the storm, there will still be the Sunshine.
current mood: content
current music: LeAnn Rimes - Can't Fight the moonlight
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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11:10 pm
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the end of the line.....
current mood:  lonely
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2:16 pm - maow maow
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umm yeah, shit is boring and blah blah. dont really know what to write lol. well lately ive been feeling down for some fucking reason but whatever. hmm gonna go out and watch a movie or something. i hope along came polly will be good. i think it will be since jennifer anniston is there, she is so damn fine, but yeah i gotta go, later days.
(side note for someone)
cant stop thinking about the things we do, and how it feels making love to you. im ready to get it baby if you gotta do me shout. just love me for a little while. i wanna make it like a dream for you, and turn every fantasy into the truth. you know ill take it anywhere that you wanna go right now. i dont want to be a distraction to you. so maybe il just lay around and play it by myself.
current mood:  blah
current music: Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up
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| Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
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11:20 pm - weee
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look into my eyes, you will see, what you mean to me. seach your heart, search your soul, and when you find me there, you'll search no more.
dont tell me its not worth trying for. you cant tell me its not worth dying for. you know its true, everything I do, I do it FOR YOU.
look into your heart, you will, theres nothing there to hide. take me as i am, take my life. I would give it all, i would scarifice.
theres no love, like your love, and no other, could give more love. theres nowhere, unless youre there. all the time, all the way.
you know its true, everything i do, i do it for you.
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| Thursday, February 5th, 2004
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10:25 pm - Update
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wow i havent updated in forever. ok well last year didnt go so well for me, and this year during the beggining, wasnt all that either. well i gues this timei can safely say that i have my "depression" under control, mostly cus i met a person that makes me happy.
its always like that though, a person can really change your world around, be it the reason of the depression or be the person to make you happy. but yeah enough of the boring stuff lol.
so i met my now boyfriend patrick. he really makes me happy. i hope i make him happy to. even though he lives 5 hours away, i think i we can make it work. yes i know another long distance relationship. but this time around, il apply what ive learned on my previous one and not make the same mistake.
well thats it for now i gues, later days kids.
current mood: cheerful
current music: Janet Jackson - Someone To Call My Lover
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| Thursday, December 4th, 2003
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11:40 pm - to a person, that could have been mine..
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you deserve the chance at the kinda of love im not sure im worthy of, losing you is painful to me. i dotn want to let you down, i dont want to lead you on, i dont want to hold you back,from where you might belong.
you never asked me why my heart is so disguised, i just cant live a lie anymore. i would rather hurt myself than to ever make you cry. theres nothing left to say but goodbye.
current mood: calm
current music: Mariah Carey - Love Takes Time
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| Monday, December 1st, 2003
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11:36 am - im alive, i think
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i am dead, my soul torn asunder
i have not felt any emotion
only pain and anger i can render
more pain and suffering for the future i envision
unless i do something about this condition
i dont regret a thing ive said or done
i dont regret loving you for one
but my heart aches when you say things, and leave them undone
but what else can we do, what done is done
my only wish for christmas this year
is to just get back on track, with my life, and some gear
im adding a little humor to this too sad and pathetic poem
just to make myself feel a bit better, and get rid of this boredom
so let bygones be byegones
let christmas bring me joy
but seing how things are going, i will be a mess, oh boy..
i wish everyone a merry christmas, and a happy new year
im saying this now cus you probably wont hear from me in two years
merry christmas to you, to a love ive forsaken
and to your dearly beloved, whos your heart, he has taken
in a month or so i plan on moving
not just by place, but by heart, by mind, il be going
wish me luck, cus i have no other option
so let the wind of fate carry me to my new location..
current mood: depressed
current music: Stacie Orrico - More To Life
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| Saturday, November 15th, 2003
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12:05 pm - hmm
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Your soul is bound to the Rose Petals: The
Wronged.
"'ve come undone and all hopes of mending
me are gone because the pain took my soul.
Can't you see? The only one who can put me
back together again is me."
The Rose Petals are associated with sorrow,
reflection, and wisdom. They are governed by
the goddess Persephone and their sign is The
Teardrop, or Broken Love.
As a Rose Petal, you are always self-reflective and
may be hard on yourself. You probably have
been hurt in the past by other people and can
sometimes distance yourself, as a result. You
don't usually let other get too close to you,
but you are very good at mending your spirits
back together by yourself.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood: calm
current music: Allure (Duet With 112) - All Cried Out
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| Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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2:00 pm - you cant save me from the man ive become..
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"Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain."
Thats all its about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesnt even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Dont accept it if someone tells you, "thats not enough to be suicidal" about.There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
current mood: depressed
current music: Richard Marx & Donna Lewis - At the Begining with you
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2003
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4:34 pm - my all is not good enough... then what is...? love me love me.. say that you love... pretend that you love me..
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why must life be so cruel.. i gues its what i make of it, so im partially at fault. but.. it seems like its not, i met a great person, one that i think i could actually be with, but.. seing as life hate me so, this person has someone else.
i dont have the best things, hell i dont have the best of anything, and yet.. why is life so cruel to me. heh.. i gues i just need to work on that and just look at the lighter sides of things. who am i kidding, ive been trying to do that all my life and its just not working for me.
i just dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to give up, but.. sometimes, even the mightiest will fall. i dont know where my choices and decisions are taking me... i just want.. like everyone else, have a happily ever after to my story...
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: The Cardigans - Lovefool
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